A Quick Critique

Well, here’s the post I promised. Overall, I thought Paul’s story was a very nice read. Being the nitpicky fellow that I am though, I saw some things that I thought might improve it. These are just suggestions, so take ‘em with a grain of salt.

I edited the first paragraph, because of the wordiness (which I’m guilty of too). I think it would flow better if it went from this:

Scott pushed the black bag away from him and quickly backpedaled away from his brother’s makeshift grave, eventually tripping over a fallen tree and landing on his back. Suddenly the summer air felt so cold to Scott and he began to feel very much alone.

To this:

Scott quickly backpedaled as he pushed the black bag away, only to trip over a fallen tree. Lying on his back, the cold summer air made blanketed him and made him feel lonely.

In the third paragraph, I thought the dialogue would be better written straight, then without the detailed stutter. In other words, from this:

“It..it’s Sam,” responded Scott barely able to believe his brother was really dead.

To this:

"It's Sam," Scott stuttered, unable to accept that his brother was really dead.

In the sixth paragraph, I changed the following sentence in order to keep the action going:

…said Johnny as two headlights came bouncing toward them.

To this:

…said Johnny, as two headlights bounced towards them.

In the eighth paragraph, I went ahead and changed the following segment to remove the extra words:

Scott seemed to hesitate…

To this:

Scott hesitated…

I also changed the following sentence or two in the eighth paragraph; it was a bit choppy and had a tinge of the passive in it as well:

Scott began to sob deeply as he poured the dirt back onto Sam’s body. Scott threw the last bit of earth on his brother’s grave and said a little prayer, hoping his brother was in a better place. He also tried desperately to visualize his surroundings in the hope he could some day find his brother again.

To this:

Scott sobbed deeply as he tossed dirt onto Sam's body. Throwing the last bit of earth, he said a little prayer, hoping his brother was now in a better place. Wiping his eyes, he desperately tried to visualize the location, in the hope that he could some day find his brother again.

That's it - I hope that was clear and no too long-winded. There were a few others, but that would just be too picky (even for me). Otherwise, Paul did a great job (evident in the fact that he won the contest). Remember, I’m still learning this craft as well. If anyone feels that above changes were incorrect, or you have better ones, feel free to let me know! I’m always up for a discussion.

Comments

[1ConfusedWriter]

Thanks for the feedback, Kalbz. Yeah, I thought about that particular edit for a while. I think it's more of a personal dislike in reading specific traits in dialogue - things like southern drawl seems so much better written straight, with the narrator describing it. In this case, with the brevity of it, I probably should've skipped over it.

Thanks again,

Vic

[kalbzayn]

I keep meaning to sit down and read Paul's original and always forget when I have time. I agree with most of the suggestiong above. Especially the passive to active type ideas.

The only one I wouldn't do is changing the stuttered quote. If the character stuttered ever line, then you're right, but for a one time thing, I like the way Paul did it better.

And now I have to go do something and still don't have time to read Paul's original. Soon. Soon.

[1ConfusedWriter]

Thanks for the opportunity, Paul. I enjoy reading over short stories, and the critiquing does help me.

Looking forward to more!

Vic

[strugglingwriter]

Good edits. I especially liked your edit of the opening paragraph. Thanks for the kind words.